How to Coach Couples: 3 Techniques
When people relate, they do so at two levels.
- At an “intrapersonal level,” individuals are in a relationship with themselves (Nelson-Jones, 2006).
- Within the “interpersonal level” of relationships, “people outwardly relate to others in terms of their thoughts, feelings, physical reactions, and how they communicate and act” (Nelson-Jones, 2006, p. 3).
While this is true of any relationship, it is vital for romantically connected couples.
Coaches use several techniques to support relationships (Nelson-Jones, 2006).
1. Use of skills language
Coaches can help clients move from more everyday language to skills language to support relationship growth.
- Everyday language: “When John and I disagree, I usually try to calm him down by listening and validating his feelings.”
- Skills language: “I employ my active listening and empathy skills when John and I encounter a disagreement. If he appears upset, I utilize my techniques to acknowledge and validate his emotions.”
Everyday language describes the action the person takes when their partner is upset. In contrast, skills language highlights the specific abilities used (active listening and empathy) and emphasizes their conscious application in response to their partner’s emotional state.
The technique encourages clients to think about the skills they use in their relationships and offers a relatively simple way to analyze and work through problems.
2. Sending effective verbal messages
How we say something is as important as the words we use.
If one partner says to the other, “I think you are right,” but is speaking loudly at a high pitch, it may convey a different meaning.
Coaches should work with their clients to consider how they share their feelings.
The VAPER acronym is helpful and can easily be taught. While it is a general approach to improving communication, it remains vital within relationships (Nelson-Jones, 2006).
Adjust your volume to be loud enough to be heard without being overwhelming.
Clear articulation is crucial when presenting how you feel, as your partner may struggle to understand your delivery and content if you do not enunciate properly.
Pay attention to pitch, such as uncomfortable highness, lowness, or narrowness of range, as it influences what the other person hears when you’re sharing your thoughts and feelings.
Highlight your main points and convey interest and commitment.
Speak reasonably slowly when describing emotions, concerns, and problems, allowing yourself time to think and giving your partner ample opportunity to comprehend what you share.
Partners should also reflect on their body language messages, such as gestures, stance, and eye contact (Nelson-Jones, 2006).
3. Managing anger
When one individual gets angry, it can lead to a heated argument or the other person shutting down, possibly even walking away.
Speak to the clients regarding what anger is and how they manage it. Anger can be packaged in many forms: mild, slight irritation, or full-blown rage. It can also be short or present over a long time (Nelson-Jones, 2006).
Ask them individually to reflect on the following questions and then discuss them within their relationship (Nelson-Jones, 2006):
- How much of a challenge do you face in managing your anger?
- Do you get angry with yourself more often than with your partner or others?
- Aside from anger, what other emotions do you typically experience, such as hurt or anxiety, when you become angry?
- What physical reactions, such as tension or other bodily sensations, do you usually experience when you feel angry?
- How confident would you describe yourself as a person, and to what extent do you believe this affects your susceptibility to anger?
- How successfully are you recognizing and embracing positive feelings toward your partner or others that could prevent or soften your anger?
- What kinds of messages do you typically convey when you are feeling angry? This includes verbal, vocal, body language, touch, and actions.
Come up with a list of triggers and warning signals. Agree that the couple may need to give one another a cooling-off period when necessary.
12 Cards & 3 Exercises for Your Sessions
The following exercises target creating a shared understanding between clients in a relationship.
The 12 Win-Win Waltz Situation Cards provide a set of example scenarios that represent those faced throughout many relationships. For example:
“You and your spouse need to decide what neighborhood to live in. You like the lively hip area, and your spouse prefers something more residential.”
“You are trying to decide what to watch on TV. You prefer sports, and your spouse wants to watch a reality show.”
Such scenarios help initiate and support conversation in hypothetical, risk-free situations.
Ask clients to work through each one using the Win-Win Waltz worksheet to practice creative problem-solving and constructive communication.
Mutual Relationship Vision
Couples can benefit by sharing individual dreams and creating combined visions for the future.
In the mutual dream relationship worksheet, each member of a relationship writes down things they would like from their relationship to make it perfect.
“I appreciate having regular date nights where we can focus on each other and strengthen our emotional connection.”
“I value when we actively support each other’s personal growth and goals, providing encouragement and being each other’s biggest cheerleader.”
Create a Connection Ritual
Finding time and space to connect in a relationship can take a back seat in our busy lives.
Without sufficient action and care, relationships can drift apart without either party noticing until too late.
A connection ritual can help ensure closeness is not a chance occurrence but something regular and intentional.
Use the Create a Connection Ritual worksheet with the couple to help them schedule time and activities together.
“We will make time on Friday evening after work to go for a walk and get a coffee. We will spend that time planning what we want to do over the weekend.”
12 Questions to Ask Your Clients
Understanding the background of a relationship can help a couple remember why they initially got together.
Our free couple assessment explores the background of a relationship:
- When and where did you meet?
- What first attracted you to the other person?
- When did you decide to get married (or live together)?
- Have there been any significant issues or obstacles in the relationship? What were they?
- How satisfied are you with the relationship?
- If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
- What would it be if you could change one thing about the other person?
- What are you hoping for from coaching? What are your treatment objectives? For example: improve communication, increase intimacy, improve parenting skills, etc.
Maintaining a good relationship and positive connections with others requires regular check-ins to see if both parties are getting what they need and identifying opportunities to make positive changes.
Without regular monitoring, we don’t know if we are doing things right or wrong for the relationship and avoiding unnecessary conflict.
Plan a regular checkup to attend to the health of the relationship. Take stock honestly and openly and make plans for keeping the relationship on track or shaking things up a little.
Ask each partner to consider the following questions (together or separately):
- What is working well in the relationship, and what should we keep doing?
- What is working OK in the relationship that we could improve?
- What are we not doing that we need to start?
- What are we not doing so well and need to stop, improve, or replace?
Relationship checkups should be performed openly, with each person feeling safe. This is not a point-scoring exercise, but an opportunity to move forward positively.
Fascinating Podcasts to Listen To
Podcasts are a powerful way of learning how to strengthen and improve relationships.
While they can be listened to individually, if listened to together, they can provide discussion points that can increase shared understanding of issues faced and ways to overcome them.
And while there are many other great relationship podcasts out there, three of our favorites include the following:
Professor and hugely successful author Brené Brown has a popular series of podcasts, including several on relationship skills. In this episode, Brown talks to the authors of The Love Prescription.
Chase and Sarah Kosterlitz interview a range of different relationship experts, therapists, and couples each week to inspire young couples with the best tools for a successful relationship.
Relationship advice is not limited to those already married or in a long-term relationship. Journalist Olivia Petter explores some significant issues facing the contemporary dating scene.
4 Best Apps for Relationship Life Coaches
There are several helpful apps that relationship (and other) coaches can use to connect and encourage change in their clients, including:
- Coach.me offers a valuable tool for developing new habits and setting goals and can be used to encourage positive relationship practices. It has an active community and access to coaches.
- HabitBull is another helpful tool for building positive habits. Coaches can use this app to create goals prioritizing positive relationship-building activities and support improved communication and understanding.
- Nudge is an excellent app for adding relationship exercises and interventions to your training, coaching, and education programs that support personal and interpersonal growth.
Quenza Software & App
Quenza provides an advanced and dedicated app and platform that supports the needs of both the client and the relationship coach.
Designed by and for coaches and counselors, it is ideal for sharing tools, activities, and exercises with individuals and couples to strengthen their relationship skills.
Quenza also offers a powerful and effective way to digitize and scale coaching businesses.
We have many resources for relationship coaches as they support clients wishing to address relationship issues and improve communication.
Why not download our free positive relationships pack and try out the powerful tools contained within? Some include:
- Connecting With Others by Self-Disclosure
Building solid relationships relies on feeling understood, accepted, and cared for. In this exercise, we explore the practice of self-disclosure to deepen existing connections and foster new ones.
- The Sound Relationship House Inspection
Relationships thrive when they receive ongoing care and attention to cultivate friendship, growth, and trust. This tool helps evaluate how well a relationship is functioning by using the metaphor of a relationship house.
Other free resources include:
- Anger Exit and Reentry
Three steps to move from conflict to constructive communication in any relationship
- From My Way to Our Way
When in a relationship, we must move from purely self-centered thinking to cooperative problem-solving.
More extensive versions of the following tools are available with a subscription to the Positive Psychology Toolkit©, but they are described briefly below:
- Investing in Valued Relationships
High-quality, valued relationships don’t just happen; they require investment to grow. Try out the following steps:
- Step one – List your most valuable relationships and why they matter.
- Step two – Rate how much time you spend on each connection.
- Step three – Identify and action ways to invest more time in those high-value relationships.
Watch those relationships grow and flourish.
- Show Affection in a Different Way
We are all unique in how we like to be shown love. Couples who enjoy higher-quality relationships ensure their partner receives their preferred love language.
Why not try the following?
- Step one – Spend time listing activities and behaviors that are meaningful to you in your relationship.
- Step two – Consider which of the following love languages they align with:
- Words of affirmation
- Quality time
- Acts of service
- Receiving gifts
- Physical touch
- Step three – Find opportunities to use love languages that are meaningful to your partner.
If you’re looking for more science-based ways to help others build healthy relationships, check out this collection of 17 validated positive relationships tools for practitioners. Use them to help others form healthier, more nurturing, and life-enriching relationships.
A Take-Home Message
Being a relationship coach is an extremely gratifying experience, as I’ve been told by a relationship coach! Relationship coaches can help couples identify limiting or challenging attitudes, develop communication skills, and support experiential learning. Unlike therapy, relationship coaching focuses on communication skills and action-oriented approaches rather than clinical concerns.
In circumstances when depression, addiction, trauma, or some form of personality disorder is involved, recommend a relationship therapist to the client.
Since any relationship that has taken time to build and nurture can be considered for relationship coaching, you could end up improving the relationships of friends, associates, and family members — not just romantic relationships.
As such, relationship coaches play a crucial role in personal growth and fostering relationship satisfaction, introducing techniques such as conflict management, understanding love languages, nonviolent communication, use of skills language, effective vocal messaging, and anger management to maintain and build further connections.
We recommend the tools and podcasts in this article for further learning, and check out the apps and resources available for boosting the relationship coaching you offer clients to help them foster personal and interpersonal growth.
We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Positive Relationships Exercises for free.